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Hemorrhoid Causes

The immediate pain and discomfort of hemorrhoids are caused by a blood vessel that has been pushed out of the anus and become infected.

Hemorrhoids themselves can be caused by any number of things, but often times it's just a matter of over exerting oneself during a bowel movement. If you want to reduce the exertion, you should eat more fiber and drink more water. Stools come out easier when they're full and moist.

 

How to Get Rid of Hemorrhoids

Natural Remedies for Hemorrhoids

Cocoa Butter, made from cacao beans, is a natural protectant for skin, and makes a perfectly soothing cream for hemorrhoids. Though it does nothing to medicate, it does keep the spicey food you keep eating from burning your butt.

Lanolin, or Wool Grease, made from animals that produce wool, is another great protectant that is all-natural protectant (unless you count the steroids used to make bigger and better sheep). But remember, with all protectants, to keep the application of said cream to the outside of the anus and the walls of the anus--no further.

Warm Baths will often times help to ease the discomfort of hemorrhoids. And hell, who doesn't need an excuse to take a nice, warm bath?

 

I have hemorrhoids (some people mistakenly spell the word hemroids, which makes more sense than the correct spelling): those itchy, scratchy, painful, sometimes bleeding little bumps right next to my taint. But guess what, all of us have them. They're natural, but only about 4% of us (men and women) get to enjoy the pleasure of the itching and the pain, and the subsequent increase of skidmarks on our underwear. But don't fret, there are ways to control these little monsters on your anus. Thank God I'm here to tell you how.

 

The hemorrhoid treatments that follow are easily performed by yourself, in a bathroom, with the door locked. Nothing kills the mood faster than seeing your significant other bent over in the bathroom with a finger in their stinker (well, for most of us anyway):

Hemorrhoid Treatments

Questions or suggestions? Try our Physical Health Forum.

Straining yourself on the toilet will make your hemorrhoids worse. The reason those hemorrhoids came to be in the first place was probably because you're putting too much oomph into your potty time, pushing them down through the anal canal and resting them squarely where you sit. Just sit back, relax, and let nature take its course.

Sitting or standing for long periods of time can irritate your hemorrhoids. So what the hell are you supposed to do all day long? act like you're attending a Catholic mass? Well, whatever you do to avoid enraging your hemorrhoids, don't sit on one of those donut cushions; they increase the pressure on the anal veins, which makes hemorrhoids worse.
The pain of inflamed hemorrhoids can be reduced by increasing the amount of fiber in your diet. The more fiber in your diet, the looser your stool; the looser your stool, the less stain on your anus; the less strain on your anus, the less pressure you put on your hemorrhoids, ensuring that you won't eventually push them out of your butt--which can happen.
Using vasoconstrictors to reduce the pain and inflamation of your hemorrhoids is what doctor's prescribe most. There is no "cure" to hemorrhoids since everyone has them, and they can't just cut them out like a pair of tonsils. Creams like Preparation H and Rectacaine (cocaine for your butt) are your best bets for relieving the itch.
Local anesthetics are the second most prescribed hemorrhoid solution by doctors. They don't really do much about the swelling, they just put your nerves down there to sleep. Creams like Lanacane, Americaine, and Medicone are typical creams, but be careful, sometimes these things cause allergic reactions.
Questions or suggestions? Try our Physical Health Forum.

Hemorrhoid Surgery

You can't really get rid of hemorrhoids anymore than you can get rid of Catholic guilt; some of us just have it worse than others--you can tell because they're the ones in the back who won't sit down. But apparently there's a new surgery called stapled hemorrhoidectomy, where basically (if your hemorrhoids are that bad) they staple shut the veins that are causing the most problems. Then, your flesh dies or something, and bye-bye hemorrhoids. I guess. I'm not a doctor. I wouldn't know the specifics. Do some research on it if you think I'm joking.

The other nontraditional treatments can be found on the web. Just make sure to do your research before buying that "cure all" hemorrhoid cream.

 
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Disclaimer: Jonathan Hatch & Natasha Laumei cannot accept any responsibility for any injury or damage that you may cause to yourself, others, or property when following any advice given on this site.