How to Get Rid of Stripper Stank

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Nils Hoyum

Good Reasons to Go to the Strip Club

  1. Too many singles in your wallet causing back pain.
  2. You got “free admission.”
  3. It was half-price appetizer night.
  4. What else you gonna do on a Tuesday in the middle of winter in Minnesota?
  5. A friend is in town and it was something to do.
  6. To refill your spank bank.

Bad Reasons to Go to the Strip Club

  1. Because you're horny.
  2. Looking for a girlfriend.
  3. To get drunk.
  4. You're already wasted. Woo-hoo, titties!
  5. To prove to your friends that you aren't gay.
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Stripper stank, if you're unfamiliar, is a very peculiar smell that can only be acquired one way: getting rubbed on by a stripper. The particular odor of a stripper is very distinct from that of other women. This gives the people around us the ability to immediately tell whether or not we have not only just been to a strip club but that we did in fact pay money to have our cock and balls rubbed and smashed by stripper grinds and hip thrusts.

For those of us leaving the strip club with sex on our minds (pretty much all of us), smelling like a stripper is only going to cause problems. Luckily, there are ways to get rid of and mask the “eau de stripper.” Once the odor is gone, you should be able to get rid of your blue balls. Of course, you had better check your clothing and skin for traces of stripper glitter, but that is easier to lie about than the stripper stank. Glitter isn't a stripper-only thing, but stripper stank definitely is.

Steps to Getting Rid of Stripper Stank

image 1Liquor or alcohol will cover up some of the stripper stank. Drinking heavily while at the strip club is not a good idea. Either you will end up spending more money than you wanted to or you will say or do something to get yourself thrown out. To get rid of stripper stank using alcohol, splash a little on your face like you would aftershave. It will cover up most of the stripper stank, and you will just smell like a drunken asshole. Also, make sure not to do this just before you drive home.
image 2A body spray will cover up stripper stank. A better way of covering up stripper stank is to use a body spray like Axe or Tag. They come in small portable cans that are easy to carry. You probably already have some. Spray in concentric circles on your entire body. This will definitely cover up any latent stripper stank and will leave you smelling like a freshly cleaned tool. But make sure to add a few other bar smells before you go home, like tobacco and booze. Otherwise it will seem suspicious.
image 3Smoking “tobacco” in a small, unventilated area (a “hotbox”) will mask stripper stank. Any friend of a smoker will tell you that smokers stink like whatever they smoke. And they don't even realize it. Try smoking in the car on the way home with the windows up and the vents off. This “hotbox” technique will thoroughly penetrate every recess of your body with tobacco smell and cover up any stripper stank. Cigars work the best but anything will work.
image 4“Accidentally” falling into a lake or river will probably get rid of stripper stank. Getting rid of stripper stank isn't as easy as just washing your face and hands. Your clothes are the biggest offenders when it comes to stripper stank. If you could wash them before you got home, you would be in the clear. But that just isn't that easy. Unless you “accidentally” fall into the lake with a bar of soap. But if you are drunk, you may “accidentally” die, so yeah, this may be not such a great idea.
image 5Changing clothes and taking a shower will definitely get rid of stripper stank. The best way to get rid of stripper stank is to change clothes after you leave the club and wash your face and hands. You could even go so far as to change clothes before you go to the strip club. Then, when you leave, you could change back into your other clothes just before you go home. It beats running to jump in the shower when you get home 'cause that is suspicious as a mofo. Plus, all she has to do is smell your clothes and you are busted.

Random Thoughts on Strippers

  • Trying to have a normal conversation during a lap dance is seriously weak-sauce. She is grinding and dry humping your shit and you want to talk about college and the weather?
  • If you wear slacks to the strip club, the lap dances will be a lot more fun. But if you can't control yourself, everyone is gonna be able to tell.
  • If you hire strippers off Craigslist, there is a good chance they will a) be nasty and b) do some illegal shit that's gonna cost you extra.
  • Don't eat the food at the strip club. That isn't why you're there. You gonna get a lap dance while you eat your chicken wings?
  • The strip club has got to be the worst place on earth to get drunk. The drinks are twice the price and the ATM dispenses hundred-dollar bills. Hmm . . . let's see. What do I do with the change? Lap dance!
  • Buying your way into the backroom will cost you lots of money and it will be lots of fun. But at the end of the night, you will be the one jerking yourself off—not her.
  • Yes, dating a stripper could be fun. It could be wild and crazy or just complicated and weird. Just ask the guy staring intently at you from the bar. Yeah, the one who looks uncomfortable and angry. He's a little on edge because his girlfriend is giving you a lap dance and you keep trying to grab her ass.