How to Get Rid of Things ©2004 Jonathan Hatch

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Halloween Candy: If you're really serious about getting rid of trick or treaters, you need to think about the long-term solution. This halloween, buy the most disgusting and nutritious snacks available. In time, the children will learn to avoid your home like the plague--a wholesome plague.	How to Get Rid of Trick or Treaters	Alternative Solutions: “Natural” and “healthy”: no two words are more repulsive to children. To save yourself the bother of having to answer the door every two minutes, simply post a large sign on your door that states: “We serve only natural and healthy snacks to our children. Shouldn’t you?” If that doesn’t scare off the children, chances are you’ll offend their parents, and parents hate unsolicited criticism. The Trust System is always an alternative to active candy-giving. If you want to save yourself money on the candy, however, it might be prudent to put up a sign next to the candy waiving all responsibility for any pins or razors found in their children after consuming your candy.
Getting rid of trick-or-treaters is something every poor college student, or any person who can’t fit bags of candy into their budget, thinks about in late October. Like many professional sports leagues, it seems the Halloween season has been extended. When I was a child, we were only allowed to trick-or-treat after dark, and for a few hours at the most. Today, the newest generations of trick or treaters are pulling in record amounts of candy revenue by extending their season from mid-afternoon to late evening—sometimes even trick or treating the day before and following the officially designated Halloween night. This brash and brazen trick-or-treatery must come to an end, especially in light of America’s obesity epidemic. So, for those of you who despise the evening of Halloween, we here at How to Get Rid of Things offer you some advice about keeping trick or treaters off your lawn, or at least encourage them to knock on your neighbor’s door instead.
Suggestions or Questions?
Strict costume codes will help you keep trick or treaters away. The white sheet with two holes cut in the top was once the Halloween costume of choice for candy greedy slackers; now, it’s prepackaged Walmart costumes. If you want to save money on Halloween candy, it is suggested that you first ask whether their mothers made their costume. If they say no, then insist that they go home and get a white sheet—the badge of shame that they deserve.
Keeping a movie intended for adults on repeat and cranked up on your stereo speakers should keep the trick-or-treaters at bay. In my youth, those sounds would have had children clamoring to sneak a peak into your living room. These days, almost every trick-or-treater is accompanied by an adult, and nothing scares white, FOX News watching soccer moms more than the idea of their children hearing the noises Mommy and Daddy made when they still loved each other.
No surer way has been found to keep children away out off of a lawn than the prospect of having to work on it. If you want to keep trick-or-treaters off your lawn, simply put a couple of lawn care tools in your front yard with a help wanted sign posted in plain sight. The idea of being coaxed into menial labor for a crappy Nestle Crisp chocolate bar should thin the ranks of those greedy, snot-nosed brats looking for a handout.
Police tape and empty shells will keep those pesky trick-or-treaters off your porch. Make sure to tape off your entire yard, and don’t leave any cheesy props like knives or chalk outlines; children might mistake those for “decorations.” Instead, grab a handful of empty .22 shells from your local ammo shop and scatter them on the sidewalk. That should have chaperones grabbing wrists and crossing the street.
Turning off your porch lights is the least fun, but most effective way to get rid of trick-or-treaters. If the lights aren’t on, then you’re not home. What you have to be careful of is watching television in the dark. Not only is it bad for your eyes, but the little heathens outside will see the flickering light and either knock on your door or throw eggs at it out of spite.
Suggestions or Questions?
~~Professional Candymen~~ Illegal Aliens Remember, it’s still sugar beet season and migrant workers looking for some extra scratch are still aplenty. Why not pay a couple of them to stand on your porch and offer children candy? If you live on the other side of the tracks, this will save you from having to answer the doorbell and dealing with those clammy-handed, greedy little devils that live down the block. If you live in a predominantly white neighborhood, you’ll probably save money because what god-fearing WASP in their right mind would let their children take candy from a “colored” stranger? Thanks to the anti-immigrant scare tactics of mass media outlets like FOX News, you can count on almost no candy being accepted from your migrant workers. If you’re a particularly shrewd individual you might even get away non-payment for their services because they’re probably illegal aliens and employment protection laws don’t apply to them. If they make a stink, give them the bowl of candy. But you have to act fast because the U.S. government is going to build a wall to keep them out, and we all know how well that kept the Mongols out of China.
Home \| Satire \| how to get rid of trick-or-treaters

Saint Paul Media, Inc. cannot be held responsible for any injury or damage that you may cause to yourself, others, or property when following any advice presented on this website.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License.

Home | Satire | how to get rid of trick-or-treaters

Halloween Candy:

If you're really serious about getting rid of trick or treaters, you need to think about the long-term solution. This halloween, buy the most disgusting and nutritious snacks available. In time, the children will learn to avoid your home like the plague--a wholesome plague.

How to Get Rid of Trick or Treaters

Alternative Solutions:

“Natural” and “healthy”: no two words are more repulsive to children. To save yourself the bother of having to answer the door every two minutes, simply post a large sign on your door that states: “We serve only natural and healthy snacks to our children. Shouldn’t you?” If that doesn’t scare off the children, chances are you’ll offend their parents, and parents hate unsolicited criticism.

The Trust System is always an alternative to active candy-giving. If you want to save yourself money on the candy, however, it might be prudent to put up a sign next to the candy waiving all responsibility for any pins or razors found in their children after consuming your candy.

Getting rid of trick-or-treaters is something every poor college student, or any person who can’t fit bags of candy into their budget, thinks about in late October. Like many professional sports leagues, it seems the Halloween season has been extended. When I was a child, we were only allowed to trick-or-treat after dark, and for a few hours at the most. Today, the newest generations of trick or treaters are pulling in record amounts of candy revenue by extending their season from mid-afternoon to late evening—sometimes even trick or treating the day before and following the officially designated Halloween night. This brash and brazen trick-or-treatery must come to an end, especially in light of America’s obesity epidemic. So, for those of you who despise the evening of Halloween, we here at How to Get Rid of Things offer you some advice about keeping trick or treaters off your lawn, or at least encourage them to knock on your neighbor’s door instead.

Suggestions or Questions?

Strict costume codes will help you keep trick or treaters away. The white sheet with two holes cut in the top was once the Halloween costume of choice for candy greedy slackers; now, it’s prepackaged Walmart costumes. If you want to save money on Halloween candy, it is suggested that you first ask whether their mothers made their costume. If they say no, then insist that they go home and get a white sheet—the badge of shame that they deserve.

Keeping a movie intended for adults on repeat and cranked up on your stereo speakers should keep the trick-or-treaters at bay. In my youth, those sounds would have had children clamoring to sneak a peak into your living room. These days, almost every trick-or-treater is accompanied by an adult, and nothing scares white, FOX News watching soccer moms more than the idea of their children hearing the noises Mommy and Daddy made when they still loved each other.

No surer way has been found to keep children away out off of a lawn than the prospect of having to work on it. If you want to keep trick-or-treaters off your lawn, simply put a couple of lawn care tools in your front yard with a help wanted sign posted in plain sight. The idea of being coaxed into menial labor for a crappy Nestle Crisp chocolate bar should thin the ranks of those greedy, snot-nosed brats looking for a handout.

Police tape and empty shells will keep those pesky trick-or-treaters off your porch. Make sure to tape off your entire yard, and don’t leave any cheesy props like knives or chalk outlines; children might mistake those for “decorations.” Instead, grab a handful of empty .22 shells from your local ammo shop and scatter them on the sidewalk. That should have chaperones grabbing wrists and crossing the street.

Turning off your porch lights is the least fun, but most effective way to get rid of trick-or-treaters. If the lights aren’t on, then you’re not home. What you have to be careful of is watching television in the dark. Not only is it bad for your eyes, but the little heathens outside will see the flickering light and either knock on your door or throw eggs at it out of spite.

Suggestions or Questions?

Professional Candymen Illegal Aliens

Remember, it’s still sugar beet season and migrant workers looking for some extra scratch are still aplenty. Why not pay a couple of them to stand on your porch and offer children candy? If you live on the other side of the tracks, this will save you from having to answer the doorbell and dealing with those clammy-handed, greedy little devils that live down the block. If you live in a predominantly white neighborhood, you’ll probably save money because what god-fearing WASP in their right mind would let their children take candy from a “colored” stranger? Thanks to the anti-immigrant scare tactics of mass media outlets like FOX News, you can count on almost no candy being accepted from your migrant workers. If you’re a particularly shrewd individual you might even get away non-payment for their services because they’re probably illegal aliens and employment protection laws don’t apply to them. If they make a stink, give them the bowl of candy. But you have to act fast because the U.S. government is going to build a wall to keep them out, and we all know how well that kept the Mongols out of China.

Home | Satire | how to get rid of trick-or-treaters

Saint Paul Media, Inc. cannot be held responsible for any injury or damage that you may cause to yourself, others, or property when following any advice presented on this website.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License.