While the scientific community devotes their time to finding cures for baldness and clocking the speed at which a lab rat can find its way through a maze, one of life's greatest mysteries has gone un-researched. Love is humanity's greatest asset as well as its greatest threat. Love is rooted in some of our greatest achievements, and it has facilitated some of our most destructive history. So why has the research of love been so neglected?
The unfortunate reality is that love is intangible at any given moment; it cannot be created on demand. This makes love seemingly un-graspable to the researcher. This mysterious quality has led the scientific community to research its effect on the human brain. There are definite chemical reactions occurring in the brain of someone in love. But that is only an effect of love. What causes humans to love? The survival of the species does not depend on it. Perhaps more frequently than not, sex occurs between people who are not in love. Maybe love should remain a mystery. It is inherently a good quality—perhaps our best.
Steps in Getting Over Love
Getting over love is a grieving process. And, for anyone who has ever grieved over the loss of a loved one, you know the process cannot be sped up.
Denial and Isolation. This stage usually lasts for a week or two. But the stages don't have clear endings and beginnings; they tend to overlap a little. The last time I got dumped, I spent the first week at home. I stayed up late because I couldn't sleep. I drank a lot of wine and smoked a lot of cigarettes while listening to sad jazz and writing by candlelight. I had to go to work, but all too frequently went home early because I broke down. Every time I tried to eat something, my throat felt like it was tied shut, and I couldn't swallow. A lot of things came from this stage. I lost weight. I made a really good mix CD, which I still occasionally listen to. I wrote some really tragic letters that no one will ever read. And I got to cry like a baby in front of my coworkers.
Anger. At this point I was tired of staying home and tired of caring about this person who dumped me. I started venturing out, seeking people who could provide me with destructive conversations about the ex. I started spreading rumors about her while seeking her out publicly. I was mad that she had already found someone else to be with and I was still by myself. This stage culminated with an embarrassing scene in front of mutual friends. This was followed by me outside her house at 1 in the morning, screaming at the top of my lungs for her to come down and talk to me. I did this for about 10 minutes, but when she didn't answer, I broke into her house and confronted her. She told me to leave; I told her I would always love her.
Bargaining. As I left, I started laughing to myself. I had confirmed my suspicions of her infidelity, and I got the last word in. I got in my car, leaving that messed-up situation, feeling really good. I thought about my last words to her. I laughed and said to myself ,"Well, maybe not." Maybe I wouldn't always love her. This for me was the illusion of acceptance. I was trying to convince myself that I was over her. I didn't know it then but acceptance for me would not come for another 9 months. I guess I was bargaining with myself in a way: trying to get over her so I would not be so embarrassed by my actions.
Depression. This stage kind of ebbed and flowed for me over the course of the following months. I would go through phases of deep sadness where I sat at home, listening to old songs and drinking wine. Or I would be out celebrating my freedom with my friends, meeting girls, talking to them, seemingly normal. But inside, a constant battle was going on. Thinking about the past—wondering, regretting—and soon the party would be over, and I would be back at home writing nonsensical sadness on paper. I moved away from town about a month after the break-up. Moving turned out to be the best option for me. It was a small town, and I needed something bigger and better for myself.
Acceptance. Acceptance can be a deceptive little thing. I can think of twenty different occasions where I was convinced I was over her. This is the mysterious quality of love: it persists. Even after all that had happened, love seemed to have taken on its own life, and it strove to exist. Love does not die, but it can fade with time. For me it has been a long battle, and for the most part I have beaten it into submission. But she does invade my dreams on occasion, but not like she used to. I dreamed of her every night for three months after we broke up. Now it is just once a month or so. It doesn't worry me, as it is just a matter of time.
Problem with love
The problem with love is that it is capable of causing just as much pain as pleasure. Love is bliss and it is torture. Love can set you free and it can make you a slave. So why do we bother with love? Why don't we just cast it aside and live our lives free of love? Without love, what would we watch on TV, read, listen to, or eat? Moreover, who would we talk to, spend time with, or be with? Love may not make the world go round, but it sure makes it interesting. There is no denying that bad experiences with love can leave people jaded and cautious. But do you really want to give up on love just because it didn't work out the last time? I hope not. Love has a lot of positive things to offer us, things worth fighting for. Learn to love again. Start out slowly: try just loving your friends and family; develop a relationship with them again. Don't jump into anything big right away. That will only turn out badly. You must heal yourself first. Most shrinks will tell you to stay away from sex as well. They have a point. When you are in a fragile state, it is easy to confuse sex with love. Just because someone is willing to have sex with you doesn't mean that they love you. Watch yourself. And if you need extra help, see a psychiatrist.
