So, a rampaging horde of zombies has descended upon your town, consuming the living and ignoring all manner of grooming and common decency. You’ve stored up food, water, and medical supplies. All of your basic needs are taken care of. You have survived the zombie horde thus far. Good for you! But though you’ve managed to survive, zombies do have that pesky habit of trying to eat your brains. They keep showing up at odd hours, stumbling around through your garden, shuffling about in your backyard, and rattling around your garbage cans, begging for brains. Life just can’t return to normal until you can get rid of those zombies. So, either join them…or follow the advice here.
There are almost as many ways to get rid of zombies as there are varieties of zombies. But, before you begin, be sure to think of practical matters: Where will these zombie bits and pieces be flying? What kind of smell will a pit of zombies in the backyard produce? And just how will you keep chunks of the living dead from clogging up your wood chipper? Each method used to get rid of zombie pests will have its own challenges. Just remember to have fun and avoid getting bit…try to avoid any blood splatter, too, as that might be contagious dependent on zombie type.
Guns. Of course. Whenever you see a zombie movie, guns are the weapon of choice. And I use the term “guns” loosely. From a 9mm to a harpoon to a grenade launcher to a slingshot loaded with cherry bombs, guns can be a fun and effective way to get rid of zombies. Use them for target practice, set up sharp-shooting contests, or engage in zombie hunting escapades. It’s a fun outdoor activity for the whole family!
Shovel. It’s good for digging, but more importantly, it’s good for whacking zombies. It can also be used for beheading. Y’know, removing the head and destroying the brain? Other than zombie whacking, shovels can be used for zombie poking, zombie prodding, zombie battering, and zombie dismemberment. You can find them in most garages, they fit into the back of any old pickup, and you can even use that shovel in your garden after the crash of civilization. Amazon has a fine selection, like this Ames True Temper beauty.
Ax. For those preferring a more hands-on eradication of zombies, consider the ax. Exercise those upper body muscles and get a good cardio workout with each swing and hack. Use your ax to remove the head or destroy the brain. Or simply immobilize the zombie threat by removing its limbs. Use the ax to cut down trees to create a fence for a zombie fight ring. Invite your friends. Think of the entertainment value!
Best Ways to Get Rid of Zombies
Remove the head or destroy the brain to get rid of zombies. This is the most basic principle of destroying the ravaging zombie horde. It relies on the assumption that the infected zombie brain sends brain-eating messages to the zombie body. Sever this connection between zombified brain and undead body and you are left with the simply dead instead of the undead. Without the motor skills or motivation to devour brains, the zombie becomes indistinguishable from any old corpse lying around. Use whatever means you have at hand. Then consider composting the remains for your garden. Though soylent zombie is not recommended as it may spread the zombie virus. And taste terrible.
Chainsaws can get rid of zombies. If it’s good enough for Bruce Campbell as Ash in Evil Dead, it’s good enough for you! Perhaps this most classic method of zombie destruction and removal is what’s best for you. This will not only remove the head or destroy the brain, but can also disembowel, de-limb, quarter, massacre, destruct, and generally discombobulate zombies. Two drawbacks with this method include the splatter zone and the chainsaw wielder’s close proximity to zombie teeth. This method is best used on slower moving zombies with poor motor skills. And don’t forget to take along your raincoat.
A tiger pit can help you get rid of zombies. This is an oldie but a goodie. Using the shovel from your anti-zombie arsenal, dig a deep pit. Think grave-deep, at least. Then, using your anti-zombie ax, fashion some grotesque wooden spikes out of some local trees or remnants of old wood picket fences. Securely embed the spikes at the bottom of the pit. Cover the hole with a sheet or tarp or any other pliable surface. Cover that surface with leaves. Consider using a decoy, such as an irritating in-law for bait, and you have yourself a genuine pit of doom for any wandering zombies.
Get rid of zombies using a wood chipper. If perhaps your zombie type is of the slow-moving and easily tricked variety, a wood chipper is an excellent way to remove yourself of these unwanted zombies. Consider a type of tiger-pit strategy with perhaps a human or another zombie as bait. Using a wood chipper will not only remove the head or destroy the brain of zombies with unadulterated gusto, zombie chunks may yet prove a useful source of natural fertilizer, or even a natural biofuel. Just don’t forget your safety goggles.
Wait for the zombies to decay. This method relies heavily on the type of zombie infestation that you have. This will not work on every kind of the undead. But it may be that the type of zombie around your neighborhood doesn’t have a very long shelf-life. If your zombies are the type that cannot regenerate or repair their own tissue, then hot-dang, all you have to do is wait it out! Exposure to the elements will wreak havoc upon undead tissue. And as they begin to decay, their ability to acquire brains from human beings also decays. Soon these ferocious brain seekers will only be piles of goo, and your life can once again return to normal.
Things to avoid
Fire. While fire may seem to be a natural, cheap, and easy solution to your zombie infestation, I assure you that fire is most likely not the answer. You know how those zombies are, always getting into everything. Curious little creatures they are. Now, can you picture those curious little biters on fire?
Nuclear arms. Nukes. Good for killin’ the whales. Bad for killin’ the zombies. Imagine a bunch of brain-crazy, undead cannibals hell bent on eating you. Now imagine that they’re radioactive to boot. You get where I’m going with this. So, unless you’re into killing whales, avoid the nukes.
Use your BRAAAIIIINNNSSS
Remember that getting rid of zombies isn’t a chore–it can be fun. The most important thing you can remember is to remove the head and destroy the brain. After that, you can be as creative as you want. Make a game out of it. See who of your friends and family can destroy the most zombies in a designated period of time. As long as you avoid the big no-nos of fire and, were you to be able to get your hands on them, nuclear arms, then the rest is up to you. Put on some music. I would personally suggest Rob Zombie’s “Living Dead Girl” (available on a variety of Albums or PrimeMusic at Amazon) Grab some beers. Grab your guns (alcohol and guns never mix, unless it’s after a zombie apocalypse; in such a case, guns and alcohol are encouraged.). Then go crazy. You’ve never had a better excuse to blow the brains out of your zombified boss, in-laws, grouchy old neighbor, and that kid that was mean to you once in the third grade. As long as you remember the basic principle of how to get rid of zombies, you’ll do just fine: remove the head or destroy the brain. Just try not to get bit in the process.